Topics:

• Talking About Puberty and Relationships
• Structuring your Tween’s Time
• Websites for Parents of Adolescents
• 10 Hints on Living With Your Tween

Talking About Puberty and Relationships

Around ages 10, 11, and 12 boys' and girls' bodies change. They are no longer children, but they are not yet teens. At this time, they may begin to be curious about the facts of life.

Some may think they are growing too fast and too soon while others may think they will never grow up. They may worry they are not like their friends.

Specialists say it is never too early to begin talking to your child about puberty. To help them through this troubling time, encourage them to talk to you about their changing bodies. Seek out opportunities to talk to them. Perhaps their health class is discussing this topic, so ask them what they are learning in class. Another good time is when the issue is raised in a television show.

It is particularly important to begin the conversation so they know what to expect and won't be scared when events begin to happen and so that they see you as a source of information. Sources, such as friends, often give incorrect information.

Getting started will be the most difficult because every child is different. You might want to share a book about puberty, watching a video together, or showing your child a magazine article about puberty. Make sure to follow up by sitting down and answering their questions. If you are a single parent who has children of the opposite sex, you may find it helpful to have a member of your extended family or a close friend who is the same sex as your tween, talk with him or her.

Keep these simple techniques in mind when you begin the conversation with your tween:

1. Talk to your tween honestly about puberty and relationships.
   Just because they are young doesn’t mean that they can’t be deeply interested in the other gender. Help them to handle these feelings in a safe way – without getting hurt or hurting others.
   
   
2. Answer their question honestly.
   While they may just be curious, they do need someone to talk with that they trust.
   
   
3. Sometimes, all it takes is to have the opportunity.
   If you can’t be home with them after school, make sure they have something to do that they really like, where there are other kids and some adults who are comfortable with kids their age. Don’t leave them alone so much.
   
   
4. Show them what good, responsible relationships look like.
   Tweens can be very influenced by what parents do. If you show sharing, communication, and responsibility in your own relationships, they will be more likely to follow your example.
   
   
5. They really care what you think, even if they don’t always act like it.
   When they don’t end up doing exactly what you tell them, don’t assume that you’ve failed to reach them.
   
   
6. They probably hate “The Talk” as much as you do.
   Start talking with your tween about puberty, sex and responsibility when they’re young, and keep the conversation going as they grow older.
   
   
7. Pay attention to your tween before they get into trouble.
   Reward them for doing the right thing – even when it seems like no big thing.
   

(Source: National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, April 1999)

Is there anything that can motivate your tween to learn new skills, challenge their thinking, and excite them all at the same time? Yes— structured out-of-school activities! These activities - such as sports, creative arts, music or drama programs, educational clubs, after-school programs, or community groups, appeal to youth of all skill and interest levels. Tweens who participate in these types of activities report the highest levels of motivation, concentration, and skills. There are many other benefits of structured time for youth. Tweens can form relationships with both peers who have similar interests and non-related adults who can serve as positive role models. Research has also shown that involvement in such programs helps to build character, self-esteem, and citizenship and often helps improve school performance. To find out what out-of-school or after-school activities are available in your community, contact your local YMCA, park and recreation program, school, or religious or community center.

Not all structured out-of-school activities are of high quality; parents should examine a program closely to ensure that it meets most, if not all, of the following key ingredients:

• Clear goals and outcomes
  
  
• Content is age-appropriate and challenging
  
  
• Opportunities of active learning processes (e.g., hands-on experiences, peer leadership)
  
  
• Positive and safe environment—that is welcoming and set limits
  
  
• Adequate materials and facilities—includes a rich array of educational materials and the appropriate space needed
  
  
• Well trained staff that interact with tweens
  
  
• Encourage parent participation
  
  
• Willingness to improve through evaluation.

References
Gootman, J. A. (2000). After-school programs to promote child and adolescent development. Washington D.C.: Board on Children, Youth, and Families. United States Department of Education and United States Department of Justice (2000). Working for children and Families: Safe and smart after-school programs. Washington, D.C.: United States Government Printing Office.

Websites for Parents of Adolescents

10 Hints on Living With Your Tween

1. Don’t be afraid to speak up. This is your right and duty and the earlier in life you do it, the easier you’ll get through to them when they get older. Say it in a tone of voice in which you’d want to be spoken to.
   
   
2. Don’t expect them to be perfect. Accept the fact that each child is a little different. Guide and guard with a loving heart and expect them to have a couple of bumps here and there.
   
   
3. Make their friends welcome at home. Look and act like their parent. Don’t be a super-snooper on their affairs when the gang comes over for pizza but be conveniently available.
   
   
4. Don’t forget to pat them on the back. The young tween years are doing and going years. Show interest in what is going on. When they do something well say “Nice work, I’m proud of you.” Spend more time encouraging the good than in punishing the bad.
   
   
5. Give them time to be alone. This is often a good tonic, because it gives them time to think things through. Respect their wishes for privacy.
   
   
6. Keep the lines of communication open. Maybe they don’t even understand themselves, but they want parents to whom they can go and who they can be sure will at least listen and let them explain.
   
   
7. Keep learning. Your young people expect you to know. If you don’t know, find out soon!
   
   
8. Stand by them... not over them. Show concern for what they wear and where they go. Prepare them to lead their lives...not yours. They want guidance, but don’t keep nagging about every little thing.
   
   
9. Never let your love be doubted. Don’t put conditions on giving affection. Don’t engage in an exchange on how much they should love you because you have done so much for them. Just keep demonstrating your love. This will be contagious.
   
   
10. Be living examples. Look at your own conduct on and off home base.