Pike County Cooperative Extension

Communication Challenges

Topics:

Anger: Yours and Theirs

Anger, when you are having a disagreement with someone, is very difficult to handle. However, there are things you can do to manage your anger and diffuse others anger.

Diffusing Another Person's Anger

These techniques can be helpful:

1.	Say something nice or recall something nice about that person to help gain perspective and to help yourself calm down and get control of your emotions.
2	Use "I statements" to help you express yourself in an assertive non aggressive manner. For example: "I feel angry when you are late because I worry about whether you’re safe."
3.	Use positive self-talk such as "I won’t get defensive" or "I will not take this personally." Use other calming techniques like concentrating on your breathing or counting to yourself. OR take a time out if you think you need it.
4.	Talk with each other about the best ways to begin to discuss the problem causing the conflict. Ask how we can work together to begin to solve the conflict.
5.	Listen and let the other person vent but within appropriate limits. Out of control venting may make the other person angrier. Suggest a time out if this occurs and give them time to take control. Emotions are temporary.
6	Relax and try not to get defensive or take the venting personally.
7.	Sum up what they have said so that the other person knows you understand what they are saying and feeling.

Staying Involved in Your Tween

To be an effective parent, you need to stay involved in your tweens life. This includes being an interested, active listener, which can be accomplished without seeming intrusive.

One of the factors contributing to the delinquency of tweens is insufficient monitoring by parents. This practice entails being able to answer these four questions at all times:

Getting Tweens to Talk

During the difficult tween years when there is increasing temptation and peer pressure for unhealthy risk taking, being a friend, sympathizer, and confidant might be our most effective role. It is easier to provide guidance and reminders of the values we hold when we know specifically what guidance is needed and where the pressures are.

To promote dialogue, our tweens must have the feeling that we understand—really understand what they are dealing with. Isn’t that what friends do? They support, validate, and understand us. Often, parents jump from what they have heard to correction, discipline, criticism, and challenging a tweens thinking, without first letting them know that we do understand.

Our tweens will talk to us when they know that we listen to them…this means being there not just in body, but also in mind. When they feel like talking, stop and make yourself available to them. Praise and validate their good decisions. Sympathize with their tragedies. Brainstorm their dilemmas. Applaud their efforts. Support them and let them vent. Later you might want to revisit the situation and offer your take on the subject and provide guidance or gentle correction about how you need them to think and behave.

Techniques for Listening to Your Tween
	Face them
	Make eye contact
	Nod approvingly, to reassure them that you are listening
	Move slightly closer
	Focus on what they are saying
	Let them finish

Asking open-ended questions like “Tell me about it,” will encourage more communication. Open-ended questions beg for longer answers. Encouraging comments such as “really” and “no kidding” or “tell me more” will often keep your tween talking. Paraphrasing or restating the emotions involved as well as what was just said, also lets your tween know you have been listening and are interested.

Most of all remember that discussion involves two people.

Top 10 Nonverbal Things Tweens
Do That Drive Parents Insane

1.	Roll their eyes
2.	Slam doors
3.	Sigh loudly
4.	Stomp their feet through the house
5.	Pick on younger siblings until they get attention
6.	Stare blankly at you

7.	Sulk
8.	Give “that look that could kill look”
9.	Turn their backs when the conversation is not going their way
10.	Make faces

Top 10 Tedious Things Parents Say to Their Tween

1. When I was your age ….

2. How many times do I have to tell you...

3. Just because Johnny can do it doesn’t mean you can!

4. How should I know where “it” is, you were the last one to use it.

5. Hurry up, it’s time to go...

6. What do you think, money grows on trees?

7. Because I said so, that’s why.

8. If your friend jumped off a bridge would you?

9. Don’t give me that look!

10. You’ll understand when you’re older.