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A Friend to Everyone and Everyone a Friend

Understanding Tween Development

Adolescents who are well liked by their peers share many characteristics:

• They like people and are sympathetic and understanding of others.
• They are cheerful, lively; and fun to be around.
• They make others feel comfortable and accepted.
• They like to plan and participate in events and their enthusiasm is contagious.
• They are not aggressive, demanding, or critical.
• They do not have to be the center of attention.

Understanding Tween Development

Emotional Development -With so many things changing both inside and outside, tween life seems pretty helter-skelter. This is a time of intense feelings that are difficult to control. They often have outbursts of crying, fighting, and back talking. If tweens act like adults one day and young children the next, it is because that is how they are feeling. Look for this period of extreme emotional change to begin around age 11.

Parent Tips:

• Don't overreact. It is easy to get angry, but you need to remember not to take it personally. You are usually not the cause of their unhappiness.
• Listen, don't lecture. Don't constantly ask your tween what is wrong, but do let them know you are available, at any time, to talk. A tween who is not talking is not necessarily hiding anything. At times, they don't even know why they are unhappy.
• Be calm but firm. The best way to keep your relationship positive is to be understanding yet firm. Try, "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm getting upset too. Let's talk abot this later when we both have a chance to calm down." This can help defuse troublesome situations.
• Tweens need privacy. Do you get a one-word answer to many of your questions? This doesn't mean they are hiding anything, it could only mean they are keeping their thoughts and feelings private

Social Development -Peer approval becomes very important during the tween years. Cliques emerge and what’s "cool" becomes crucial. Early tweens tend to spend the majority of their time with same-sex friends and will show dislike toward the opposite sex. Beginning at 11 or 12 years old, girls especially enjoy talking on the phone for as long as possible. Boys spend a large part of their time in sports activities.

Parent Tips:

• Give tweens more freedom with accompanying levels of responsibility.
• Role play situations tweens might experience.
• Help tweens by saying "no" when you are uneasy about new situations they encounter.

Mental Development -A tween begins to think more abstractly and to analyze problems in their heads. They develop interests in "heroes," which are often entertainers or sports figures. You will find that they enjoy reading alone and that their attention span and ability to concentrate increases. They also need to know and understand "why" something is happening, but still have a hard time determining what's right and wrong. They are not used to making difficult choices and that is why a simple "yes" or "no" is a better answer than "maybe."

Parent Tips:

• Don’t confuse their eagerness to argue with being defiant. They feel the need to be independent and to express themselves. Letting them discuss issues at home gives them a safe place to practice. By being allowed to argue over what they believe in, tweens learn how to use their thinking skills.
• Save your arguments for issues that really count or pick your battles. There might be times when you can "give in" on issues that do not involve major safety issues.

Physical Growth and Development - The tween years contain one of the most rapid and dramatic periods of physical change. Around age 10, most girls experience a sudden growth spurt and continue to grow until they are 17 or 18. Boys usually begin their growth spurt one or two years after most girls and continue to grow until they are 20 or 21 years old.

To prepare for puberty, many boys and girls "bulk up" during the tween years. Experts do warn against putting children on diets or making them feel self-conscious about their weight. Instead, reassure them that there is a wide definition of "normal" at this age.

Parent Tips:

• Puberty is one area where "ignorance is not bliss." Once you recognize what is happening, take the time to sit down and talk to your tween. The best time to do this is before it happens which can be as early as age 10.
• Try to talk to them informally, and try not to push your tween in areas that are beyond what they are able to do. There is as much variation in their abilities as there is in their sizes.