EFFECTIVE PARENT TWEEN COMMUNICATION INVOLVES BEING:

CLEAR

Whatever you say should be specific and exact. If your tween must be home for dinner, say they must be home at 6:00 P.M. not just dinnertime. To your tween, dinnertime may mean a number of different times.

COMPLETE

CONSISTENT

Make sure that whatever you say and have said is consistent. If there is no TV until homework is done, make sure that rule is applied the same each and every day. Do not give mixed messages. Avoid setting precedents or making exceptions that will cause conflicts later.

MY TWEEN DOESN’T TALK WITH ME!

"My parents don’t listen to me!" "Johnny doesn’t hear a word I say!" Sound familiar? Parents complain that when tweens come home, they say little about what they are doing, thinking, or feeling. Tweens comment that parents interrupt, don’t listen, and just give advice and orders. How many battles arise because parents and tweens talk at each other instead of with each other?

Research shows that feelings of concern, fairness, and warmth mark a successful relationship between parent and tween. Communicating is a circle. It is speaking, listening, evaluating, and responding; then speaking, listening, evaluating, and responding again. Good communication takes time. Here are a few points to consider.

• When the tween is ready to talk, be ready to listen. Tweens don’t always choose the most convenient time. Take the chance when you get it; you may not get a second chance.
  
  
• Keep an open mind. Listen first. Avoid prejudging what you think he will say. Give the tween a chance to finish what he wants to say. Don’t interrupt. A good rule is to avoid saying things that you would not say to another adult.
  
  
• Be ready to respond. After listening, wait a moment. Think about what you want to say. Avoid the "Oops!" syndrome. "Oops, I shouldn't have said that." Be slow to speak. Sometimes rephrasing the comment in your own words helps to clarify the conversation.
  
  
• Sometimes a tween just wants to talk. If a tween wants to talk about a problem and explore alternatives, give him a chance. He may be working a problem and want some feedback. Recognize that sometimes talk is just talk. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears. You will recognize what is important.
  
  
• Say what you mean. Say how you feel. Make the message an "I" message and not a "You" message. "You" messages tend to be judgmental and labeling.
  

Look at an "I" message verses a "You" message
Situation: The teen talks on the phone for hours.

"You" message:
"You never think of anyone but yourself"

"I" message:
"When you stay on the phone for an hour [behavior],
I feel frustrated [feeling],
because nobody else can get through [effect].

INFLUENCE WHAT TWEENS SEE ON TV

We do not need surveys or statistics to tell us that our tweens watch a great deal of TV, much more than we did at their age. What we do not know is the effect or influence TV has on our tweens. We can minimize the negative impact of TV by taking an active approach and encouraging our tweens to analyze what they are seeing. TV programming is intended to make money for the network. It is also intended to attract the widest possible audience for each program to maximize profits and audience share. TV programming is entertainment and often its does not portray life realistically.

We can affect how our tweens are influenced by TV by commenting, discussing, and questioning (no lectures, please) the contents of the programming. That means watching TV with them, or at least knowing what they are watching and having a general idea of the content. Your comments and questions may be more important than their answers. Try to get them thinking about the TV they watch. How are women and men portrayed on the show? Are there stereotypes for race and gender? Does this seem like a typical workplace? Is family life portrayed realistically? How are conflicts resolved? Is violence and sexuality overstated and are they necessary? Are there always-happy endings?

No matter how you approach analyzing the program, you will begin to show your tweens the differences between TV programming and real life. This same kind of analysis can be applied to MTV, music, video games, and movies.

TV also provides us with the perfect opportunity to teach our tweens about commercialism and consumerism. We can help them increase their awareness that TV advertising is meant to sell products. Advertising places products in the best possible light to create public appeal and preference. Show them that certain programs and ads go together. Have them predict the kind of ads expected. What kind of ads would you expect during a soap opera and why? What might they be trying to sell during a basketball game or other sporting event? Have them compare the production TV with the product in the store. What tricks do commercials use to broaden a product’s appeal?

We can affect the influence of TV, movies, and music by taking the time to talk about it with our tweens. Don’t tell them, but we can turn TV time into an effective educational tool and life skill.